HEROES: A Comedy Skit

INT. APARTMENT WITH LARGE PICTURE WINDOWS THAT LOOK DOWN UPON THE CITY- DAY

Kendra is African American woman with a Ceasar cut, yellow top, red pants. She is frazzled and running out of patience. The story starts with an argument in progress. Kendra is trying to explain humanity to a very confused, arrogant alien on a mission to destroy the heroes of Earth in order to set himself up as supreme ruler. 

KENDRA:

“DON’T YOU GET IT? THEY’RE JUST PEOPLE!” 

ALIEN:

(the ALIEN’S tone is as flat as its large black eyes staring at KENDRA as she struggles to keep her cool.

“PEOPLE? WHAT IS PEOPLE?”

KENDRA:

“I AM PEOPLE. THEY ARE PEOPLE. WE ARE PEOPLE!”

ALIEN:

(the tall alien nods at the television screen.)            

“BUT THESE ARE YOUR HEROES? IRON MAN, THE HULK?”

KENDRA:

“YES, BUT THEY’RE NOT REAL!”

ALIEN:

“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEY’RE NOT REAL?” (A COMMERCIAL COMES ON;

AN IMAGE APPEARS ON THE TELEVISION SHOWING IRON MAN, AND THE HULK FLYING THROUGH THE AIR.) “THAT IS REAL.”

KENDRA:

“THAT IS A MOVIE! WAIT, THAT’S WHY YOU’RE HERE? BECAUSE OF

SOME CHARACTERS IN A MOVIE? THEY’RE NOT REAL. NONE OF IT’S

REAL!”

ALIEN:

“I CAN SEE IT. THEIR POWERS ARE SIGNIFICANT. NOT AS

SIGNIFICANT AS MINE, BUT SIGNIFICANT ENOUGH. ENOUGH FOR THE RULER TO SEND ME TO EXTINGUISH THEM.”

KENDRA:

“YOU’RE GOING TO KILL THEM? BUT THEY’RE JUST PEOPLE. REGULAR MEN AND WOMEN IN DRESS UP.”

ALIEN:

“I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE SPEAKING OF WITH DRESS UP, BUT IT SEEMS ALMOST TOO EASY.”

KENDRA:

(KENDRA scrambles for the remote control and begins flipping through channels trying to pull up different movies, tv shows. every time she pulls one of the streaming channels there’s a fee.)”LOOK, LOOK. WAIT A SECOND…. $14.99? FUCK THAT.”

(she runs to the closet and pulls out boxes and a dvd player.

she throws them on the ground, hooks it to the tv, then sticks a movie in- fast forwards.) “SEE? THAT’S ROBERT DOWNEY, JR. RIGHT THERE. SEE? NOT IRON MAN.” (the being focuses on the television screen leaning in closer.)

“YOU SEE? HE’S JUST A PERSON PLAYING A PART. HE PLAYED THE

PART OF A COMEDIAN HERE. SEE? AND IRON MAN….THAT’S JUST A PART HE PLAYS. IT’S NOT REAL, IT’S MAKE BELIEVE.”

ALIEN:

(the being leans back his eyes looking up as he ponders the new information. his eyes close for several moments.)”YOU MEAN, THERE IS AN IRON MAN, AND THERE IS A, WHAT YOU SAY? A COMEDIAN?”

KENDRA:

“YES, YES. HE’S PLAYING A PART.”

ALIEN:

“BUT HE IS IRON MAN?”

KENDRA:

“YES.” 

ALIEN:

“AND THERE IS A COMEDIAN?”

KENDRA:

“YES.” ALIEN:

“WELL, I’M HERE FOR THE IRON MAN.”

KENDRA:

“IT’S THE SAME PERSON! HE’S JUST AN ACTOR PLAYING SEVERAL PARTS!

ALIEN:

“THERE ARE THREE? IRON MAN, COMEDIAN, ACTOR.”

KENDRA:

“NO! THERE IS ONE MAN- A PERSON, PLAYING THE ROLE OF IRON

MAN, COMEDIAN, ACTOR. NONE OF IT IS REAL. IT’S FAKE, MAKE BELIEVE.”

ALIEN:

“BUT WHY?”

KENDRA:

“I DON’T KNOW! ENTERTAINMENT?”

ALIEN:

“ENTERTAINMENT.”

KENDRA:

“FOR FUN, TO PASS THE TIME, TO LAUGH, CRY. TELLING STORIES, DON’T WHATEVER YOU ARE TELL STORIES WHERE YOU’RE FROM?”

ALIEN:

“FIRST OF ALL I’M A SHRYA, BUT YES WE TELL STORIES. BUT IT’S

BASED ON THINGS WE’VE ACTUALLY DONE.” (THE BEING STEPS TO THE WINDOW TO LOOK OUT AS HE PONDERS NEW INFORMATION.)

“INTERESTING, BUT MY MISSION REMAINS.”

KENDRA:

“BUT YOU CAN’T GO AROUND KILLING PEOPLE. I MEAN NOT FOR

SOMETHING THAT’S NOT REAL. WHY KILL PEOPLE THAT ARE NO THREAT TO YOU?”

ALIEN:

“IT’S MY MISSION.” (a screen appears out of thin air and four faces float on its surface. one of the faces is darkened- iron man.)

ANGEL: ENTERS APARTMENT (african american woman with goddess locks and nose ring. she’s wearing a kimono over jeans and white tshirt)

“WHOA!”

(a loud voice breaks the silence followed by a door slamming closed.)

“WHAT THE HELL?”

KENDRA:

“ANGEL, GET OUT OF HERE.” (the alien ignored the new arrival.)

ANGEL:

“WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?”

(angel points at the alien then turns back to kendra) “AND THAT?” (pointing to the hologram screen still floating in the air showing the four faces.)

KENDRA:

“GET OUT, ANGEL!”

ANGEL:

“WHY IS IRON MAN’S FACE DARK?”

ALIEN:

“BECAUSE HE’S DEAD.” 

ANGEL:

“COOL.”

KENDRA:

“WHAT?! YOU KILLED IRON MAN?”

ALIEN:

“THAT’S WHAT I SAID.”

KENDRA:

“WHY? HOW? WHEN?”

ALIEN:

“I HAVE A MISSION. IT WASN’T HARD, ACTUALLY. THIS MORNING.”

KENDRA:

“BUT YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

ANGEL: (LAUGHS)

“HE SAYS HE DID.” 

ALIEN:

“I DID. IF THESE ARE YOUR PROTECTORS, IT’S A WONDER THAT YOUR PLANET HASN’T BEEN ANNIHILATED BEFORE NOW.”

ANGEL:

“SOMETHING TELLS ME HE’S NOT FROM HERE.”

KENDRA:

“SHUT UP ANGEL.”

ALIEN:

“I’M FROM PATO. A COUPLE OF LIGHT YEARS AWAY. WE RECEIVED

SIGNALS FROM YOUR SOLAR SYSTEM, AND I WAS SENT TO ELIMINATE THE SO CALLED HEROES BY OUR RULER.”

KENDRA:

“JUST YOU?”

(The alien shrugged.)

ANGEL:

“RESPECT.” 

KENDRA:

“YOU CAN’T JUST COME AND START KILLING PEOPLE. THESE ARE

PEOPLE THAT HAVEN’T HURT ANYONE. THEY ARE NO THREAT TO YOU!”

ALIEN:

“YOU’RE RIGHT.”

(the being made an adjustment to his screen causing it to flicker. images and symbols scroll through.)

KENDRA: “YES.”

(the screen stops flickering. several symbols are on the screen but the language doesn’t make any sense to kendra.   ALIEN is quiet as he reads through until suddenly he stops and the screen disappears.)

ALIEN:

“THE MISSION HAS CHANGED.” (the alien goes to the kitchen and opens the cabinet door. he starts pulling things out and placing them on the counter.)

ANGEL:

“YOU HUNGRY? I MEAN WE DON’T HAVE MUCH, BUT I CAN PULL SOMETHING TOGETHER.” (angel’s voice faded as the being helped himself to the refrigerator.)

KENDRA:

“HOW HAS THE MISSION CHANGED?” 

ALIEN:

“ARE THERE ANY OTHER PEOPLE MORE POWERFUL THAN IRON MAN, THE HULK?”

(ALIEN says around swallows of food he shoves in his mouth.)

ANGEL:

“THE HULK? NAW, MAN AIN’T NOBODY STRONGER THAN THE HULK.”

KENDRA:

“IT’S NOT REAL! THE HULK’S NOT REAL. SHUT UP ANGEL, YOU’RE

ONLY GOING TO CONFUSE HIM.”

ALIEN:

“I DON’T GET CONFUSED. YOU JUST HAVEN’T BEEN GIVING ME THE

PROPER INFORMATION. ANGEL? IS THERE ANY REAL PERSON WHO IS STRONG LIKE THE HULK?”

ANGEL:

“NAW, MAN. I MEAN WE GOT SOME BOXERS, ATHLETES WHO ARE

STRONG, BUT NO ONE CAN LIKE LEAP OVER SKYSCRAPERS AND DROP FROM A PLANE AND LAND ON HIS FEET. NAW, WE AIN’T GOT THAT.”

ALIEN:

“HMPH,” (the alien sticks a chicken leg in his mouth whole. there are several loud crunches as he bites through meat and bone.)

ANGEL:

“DAMN, YOU REAL HUNGRY, HUH?”

KENDRA:

“HOW HAS THE MISSION CHANGED?” 

ALIEN:

“THERE IS NO MISSION NOW.”

KENDRA:

“BUT YOUR RULER, HE WANT’S OUR HEROES DEAD.”

ALIEN:

“NEGATIVE. YOU HAVE NO HEROES. HENCE YOU HAVE NO PLANET. THIS IS MY PLANET NOW.”

KENDRA:

“WHAT? YOU CAN’T JUST TAKE A PLANET.”

ANGEL:

“WHOSE GONNA STOP HIM?” 

KENDRA:

“YOU CAN’T JUST ROLL UP ON A PLACE AND STAKE YOUR CLAIM AND SAY THIS IS YOUR PLANET NOW.”

ANGEL:

“HE CAN’T?” 

KENDRA:

“NO, HE CAN’T.”

ANGEL:

“NEGRO IN WHAT WORLD DO YOU LIVE IN?”

(ANGEL said grabbing a piece of chicken. she hesitates when ALIEN looks toward her hand.) “MAY I?” (ALIEN shrugs taking another bite.) “BESIDES WHITE FOLKS BEEN TAKING LAND AND SETTING UP WHOLE CIVILIZATIONS ON THE CORPSES OF THE PEOPLE THEY KILLED.”

(the crunching of bones stops.)

ALIEN:

“WHO ARE THESE WHITE FOLKS.” 

ANGEL:

“WHITE PEOPLE, LIKE THE GUY THAT PLAYS IRON MAN. OH, HE DON’T GET IT? YOU SEE, WE…” (ANGEL rubbed the skin on the back of one hand with her other hand) “ARE BLACK FOLKS, PEOPLE OF COLOR, BROWN WHAT EVER. BUT NOT WHITE. WHITE FOLKS ARE IN CHARGE OF THIS WORLD.” 

ALIEN:

“I THOUGHT YOU SAID THERE WERE NO HEROES.”

ANGEL:

“OH, WHITE FOLKS AIN’T NO BODIES HEROES. THEY JUST DECIDE

THEY WANT A SPOT AND THEN THEY TAKE IT. THEY WILL KILL BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY ANYONE WHO GETS IN THEIR WAY. WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT, THEY SOME REAL BAD MOTHAFUCKERS!” (the being stops eating again as the screen returns and starts flickering again.)

KENDRA:

“ANGEL, SHUT UP.”

ANGEL:

“WHAT, KENDRA? I’M JUST TRYING TELL HIM ABOUT WHITE FOLKS.”

KENDRA:

“BUT YOU SEE THAT SCREEN, IT’S GIVING HIM THE RUN DOWN OF

HISTORY, RUNNING NUMBERS, EVERYTHING HE NEEDS TO KNOW FOR STRATEGY.” (the screens stops flickering. the angel turns back to angel and her sister. he now has a look of respect on his face as he stares at the two young women.)

ALIEN:

“THESE WHITE PEOPLE- TAKE ME TO THEIR LEADER.”

ANGEL & KENDRA:

“OH SHIT…”

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